


Football Vs. Husband: Which Do You Know Better?

by jercydee



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Based on Buzzfeed Video, Bitty Blast, Check Please Last Slice, CheckPleaseLastSlice, Chirping, Fluff and Humor, Football, Future Fic, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Senior Year #25 - Faber, Senior Year #26 - Check Please!, YouTube, or uhhh technically future according to canon timeline LOOOOL, transcript, vlog, vlogging - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:47:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23722582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jercydee/pseuds/jercydee
Summary: Bitty gets quizzed on two of his favourite things: Jack and...... football?Based onthe Buzzfeed video of the same name. Takes place sometime in Sept-Oct 2019. Minor spoilers for 4.25 Faber and 4.26 Check, Please!(If you can call em spoilers LOL.)
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Comments: 43
Kudos: 258





	Football Vs. Husband: Which Do You Know Better?

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: At the time I wrote this (2017), it was set in the "future" (2019), but now that year is literally the past for us hahahahahahskfjasldfjasldfjklaskdfj. In the fic summary I say "minor spoilers" because what I originally wrote as wish fulfillment in 2017 became canon in 2020.
> 
> Heckin Wild LOOOOOOL
> 
> Anyway, this is a near verbatim copy of [Ned Fulmer getting quizzed on his wife vs football](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K26sG3PfQaY)—like fr some of the dialogue is exactly the same LOL. Thanks to [Smol0ctopus](https://smol0ctopus.tumblr.com/) for the beta and the _omg stream! please_ server for advice!<3 Any other mistakes are mine.

**YouTube transcript of _Football Vs. Husband (Check, Please! #151: A Falconers Special!)  
_**[Descriptive captions by biittyyreciipees, airhockeycanbeviolent, and f4lcsboy: Check, Please! Captioning Team]

Eric  
Hey, y’all! Didja miss me? Because I sure did miss you! Now, today’s video is a lil special. Y’all’ll see that I’ve got myself some lovely guests here from Providence’s own Falconers team.  
( _gestures towards Jack and Tater_ ) Say hi guys!

Tater  
( _waves_ ) Hi!

Jack  
( _single nod, smiles_ ) Hello.

Eric  
I’ve got here regular guest _and_ my husband, Jack Zimermann, and his teammate, Alexei Mashkov—

Tater  
But you call me Tater!

Eric  
( _laughs_ ) But we call him Tater! Tater, why don’t you explain what’ll happen here today?

Tater  
Is collaboration with Falcs TV! We had special tournament to see if players knows their SOAPs more than favorite thing.

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
SOAPs = Significant Others And Partners, for all y’all non-hockey fans out there! Click here ( _highlighted annotation inserted_ ) to watch the tournament on the Falconer’s official website or check this video’s description!

Eric  
I had me such a great time over on Falcs TV with Jack that I wanted to share the fun with y’all here!

Tater  
( _nods_ ) Zimmboni crush everyone in tournament!

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
“Zimmboni” is Jack’s hockey nickname, like “Tater” is for Alexei. Everyone on the team has one!  
In fact, I have one too: Bitty! But Alexei likes to call me “B”.

Jack  
( _shrugs, gives small smile_ ) I know history. I know my husband.

Eric  
( _laughs, blushes_ )

Tater  
Now, is time to see if B know Zimmboni just as much!

Eric  
I’m feelin’ pretty confident that I do. What do you think, sweetpea?

Jack  
I think Bits knows me better than myself, to be honest.

Eric  
Jack! ( _blushing again_ )

Tater  
Yes, yes, is very cute! But I’m want to ask questions now, yes?

Eric  
( _turns to camera_ ) Now, I tried to get ‘em to quiz me on baking—because y’all and your mama know that I love it—but Jack here _insisted_ that I get asked about football instead.

Jack  
Baking’s too easy. I figured you’d appreciate the challenge. You know a lot about American football, eh?

Eric  
( _rolls eyes_ ) “American football”—I know y’all in Canada just call it football too!  
Now, I’d argue, but that’ll take up the rest of this video, so I guess it’s time to get to the quiz!

Tater  
Yes!

( _video transition with dramatic music_ )

Tater  
( _holds up stack of cards in hands_ ) Here, I’m hold questions about NFL and college football, plus questions about Zimmboni for B to answer. Like during Falcs’ tournament, I’m ask SOAP about their favorite subject first, then ask about their partner.  
B, is ready?

Eric  
As I’ll ever be!

Jack  
Gonna crush it, Bits.

Eric  
Let’s hope so, sweetheart.

Tater  
Will be good, B, I’m sure! Question one, name five offensive positions in the NFL.

Eric  
Lord, how easy—quarterback, running back, wide receiver, offensive tackle, tight end.

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Score: 5/5

Tater  
See, B! You be fine! Name five of Zimmboni’s favourite foods.

Eric  
Ooh, alright. So PB&J sandwiches, chicken tenders... scrambled eggs, uh, cassoulet...  
( _Caption Note: French food pronunciation is not butchered, because food_ )

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Score: 4/5

Tater  
One more, B.

Eric  
Hm, let’s see—

Tater  
( _snickers_ ) Remember this easiest question in stack.

Eric  
Oh, hush, you.

Jack  
Bits? Maybe a dessert?

Eric  
( _hits head with base of palm_ ) Oh, goodness me, right! Maple sugar crusted apple pie.

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Score: 5/5

Tater  
( _nods_ ) Yes. Okay, how many minutes in football quarter?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: Quarters in the NFL and NCAA football are 15 minutes.

Eric  
15 minutes.

Tater  
How long is Zimmboni’s pre-game ritual?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: 15 minutes max.  
Like all athletes, hockey players have specific rituals before their games.

Eric  
About thirty minutes?

Tater  
( _whooping laughter_ ) 15 minutes, _max._

Jack  
( _laughs_ )

Eric  
( _gasps, shakes head_ ) That is not true, that can _not_ be true! Honey, I’ve seen you take 15 minutes _making_ your pre-game PBJ sandwiches. ( _scoffs_ )

Jack  
( _makes a face_ )

Tater  
Sorry, B. Must give big zero for that question.

Eric  
( _rolls eyes_ ) Hmph!

Tater  
B, you get 20 seconds—name as many starting quarterbacks in the NFL as possible. Ready, set, go!

Eric  
Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, Josh Allen, Philip Rivers, Tom Brady— _ugh_ —Baker Mayfield, Derek Carr, Carson Palmer.

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Score: 8

Tater  
Have 10 seconds, name as many as Zimmboni’s lineys when he finally move to first line.

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Lineys = Hockey linemates.  
Fun fact: Jack moved from third to first line during his first season in the Falcs back in 2015!

Eric  
( _opens mouth_ )

Tater  
But! Must name them by nickname!

Eric  
( _single nod, determined expression_ )

Tater  
Okay? Ready, set, go!

Eric  
Alright so excluding Jack, that’ll be you, Tater, then we got Marty, Thirdy, Guy, and Snowy if you count the goalies!

Tater  
( _solemnly nods_ ) Always count goalies!

Eric  
Then that’s five for five. Gettin’ a lil easy there!

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Score: 5/5

Tater  
Haha! Okay, who are on cover of Sports Illustrated for this season’s NFL _and_ college previews?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: Jarvis Landry and Odell Beckham Jr. were on the cover for the NFL preview. Trevor Lawrence was on the cover for the college preview.

Eric  
Oh, Coach and I were just talkin’ about this! I know the NFL preview was Odell Beckham Jr. and Jarvis Landry, but the college preview...  
( _brief pause, placing chin on fist contemplatively_ ) I think it’s Trevor Lawrence?

Tater  
Correct! What magazine cover did Zimmboni appear on first?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: Trick question! Jack’s first ever appearance on a magazine cover was _not_ as a hockey player.  
He first appeared on People Magazine as a baby with his parents, Robert “Bad bob” Zimmermann and Alicia Zimmermann.

Eric  
Can I ask a question?

Tater  
...no.

Eric  
Well, shoot, alright. If you mean his first cover as an athlete, I’ll say Sports Illustrated, but if you mean his first one _ever_ I think it’s People Magazine when he was a baby.

Tater  
( _censored beep_ ) Wow!

Jack  
( _raises eyebrows_ ) You remember that?

Eric  
Well, you told me! And Alicia _did_ show me when we visited for Christmas one year. ( _smug smirk_ )

Jack  
( _covers face in hand, exasperated sigh_ ) Of course she did.

Tater  
Next question! How many Super Bowl rings does Tom Brady have?

Eric  
Oh goodness. I think it’s five?

Tater  
Six!

Eric  
_What?_

Tater  
Is six!

Eric  
( _groans_ ) Of course it’s six. Whatever, it’s fine, I try not to think about Tom Brady anyway. I don’t mind getting this one wrong. In fact, I’m kinda glad because I certainly don’t care for the man. Like, who—

Jack  
Bits. We’re in the middle of a game right now?

Eric  
( _blushes_ ) Oh, right.

Tater  
It’s alright, B, haha. But we move on with game now, yes? ( _single nod_ ) Now, how many rings Zimmboni normally wear?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: 1.

Eric  
One! He usually just wears his wedding ring, but today he’s got his 2016 Stanley ring! Wanna show it off, honey?

Jack  
( _sheepishly holds up hands to show the two rings_ )

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Fun fact: The team who wins the Stanley Cup get matching rings. Jack got his first one when the Falcs won the Cup in 2016!

Tater  
Is tough one now: How many times have the Atlanta Falcons made the playoffs?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: 14.

Eric  
( _sighs_ ) Oh Lordy, that's hard. Alright, so by the time I was born they were at five so—  
( _voice continues in fast forward_ ) —they did in ‘98, then... ‘02? After was 2004, not 2005, or ‘06... so the next one was 2008. Then there was that streak from 2010 to 2012. Then the next one was 2016, and then ‘17. Not ‘18 and ‘19. So that’s... ( _begins to count on fingers_ )

Tater  
( _back to regular speed, looking impressed_ ) You have answer, B?

Eric  
I'm gonna go with fourteen as of this year.

Tater  
( _censored beep_ )!!!

Eric  
( _laughs_ )

Jack  
( _censored beep_ ), Bittle.

Tater  
Is amazing! You have both number _and_ years!

Eric  
I’m Southern, and my daddy’s a football coach. ( _shrugs_ ) Can’t help it!

Jack  
( _chuckles_ ) This is why I wanted you to answer stuff about the football instead of baking.

Eric  
( _rolls eyes, swats Jack’s arm_ ) Oh, this boy.

Tater  
Next question! What is most number of times Zimmboni fight in one season?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: 3 fights.

Eric  
Ooh, shoot. I should know this one too, huh? Okay, so his first season he only got in one fight—  
( _voice continues in fast forward_ ) —and second season was also one, I think. After that, uhh, I think he finally got in two. Last year was three maybe? And this season hasn’t even started. But last year? _Was_ it three? I don’t quite—hm.

Tater  
( _back to regular speed_ ) Your answer, B?

Eric  
I’m gonna go with three fights for last season.

Tater  
( _shaking his head_ )

Jack  
What did I say?

Tater  
( _censored beep_ ) Is correct. ( _huffs_ ) What year did Falcons join the NFL?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: 1965.

Eric  
Uhhh, oh goodness, I know Coach told me this at some point... ( _pause_ )  
I think it was 1965?

Tater  
Correct! What year Zimmboni first try skating?

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
Answer: 1992.  
Fun fact: Bad Bob had Jack skating as soon as Jack could walk!

Eric  
_Skating_ , huh? ‘Cause I’ll bet the son of Bad Bob tried on his first skates before he even turned _one_ , huh? ( _smiles cheekily_ )

Jack  
( _nudges with elbow, gives Eric a small smile_ ) Not the question.

Eric  
Oh alright, not the question. Hmm _,_ I know it was before you turned three so, I’ll say... ( _drawling out answer_ ) nineteen-ninety... two?

Tater  
( _throws cards out of hand, shaking his head_ ) Is correct _again!_

Eric  
Oh my god!

( _high pitched sound as Eric fist pumps the air_ )

Jack  
( _laughs, bringing an arm around Eric before kissing his cheek_ )

Tater  
B, I'm frustrate to say you know Zimmboni as much as you know football.

ONSCREEN CAPTION  
FINAL SCORE: Football = 6, Husband = 6.  
T I E ! ! !

Jack  
Knew it. Told you so, Bits.

Eric  
That sounds like a chirp, and I will _not_ have that on my vlog, Mr. Zimmermann. So with that, I guess we’re done!  
( _looks towards camera, claps once_ ) Well, that about does it for today’s video! Thank you so much to my special guests, Providence Falconers’ Jack Zimermann and Alexei Mashkov, for joining me today.  
( _gestures towards Jack and Tater_ )

Tater  
( _nods with a wide smile_ ) Thanks for having us, B!

Jack  
( _smiles and nods_ ) Always great to be here.

Eric  
Be sure to check out the Falcs TV videos too! Link in the description or right over here! ( _points to space, highlighted annotation inserted_ )  
And thanks for tuning in! Next week, I’ll have a new video for y’all on the best ways to add protein to your favourite sandwiches.

( _Eric, Jack, and Tater wave at the camera_ )

Eric  
Bye, y’all! See ya next time!

**Author's Note:**

> Misc. notes
>
>> I headcanon that professionally Jack and Bitty keep their last names, but on all the legal documents and between their close family and friends they either take Bitty's name or hyphenate.  
> Jack was quizzed about sports (hockey) during WWII. He, too, tied scores in history knowledge vs Bitty knowledge lol. Muse willing, maybe one day I'll write this too.  
> The stats in this are 100% correct and if they're not GOOGLE YOU HAVE FAILED ME AND THE HOURS I SPENT ON YOU (ಥ‿ಥ)  
> Tater says "сука"/"blyat" when he curses. Jack says "Crisse de câlisse".  
> Yes, I am referring [to](https://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/post/58473256087) [this](https://66.media.tumblr.com/b88d44c37011c4a3b912a9ac2f9f0706/tumblr_mrm4erCrXE1szaospo8_1280.gif) at the end there lol (WARNING: flashing gif in links).
>> 
>> What do y'all think Bitty's subscribers call him?? If you comment nothing else on this fic, please answer what you think Bitty's followers call him. Eric?? Bitty?? Bittle?? Blond-pie-baker-slash-ECAC-hockey-champion??? The hardest decision about this fic was figuring out what his captioning team would label him omfg.  
> 
> 
>   
> I'm still out here tagging everything with #CheckPleaseLastSlice / #BittyBlast lol. It's been a wholeass week since the last episode dropped and I'm still a bit catatonic hahahahsdkflajsdfjas (ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ω ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣)
> 
> Thank you for reading! Kudos give me life and comments will be handed a choice of pie or scone<3
> 
> [Main Blog](http://striveattemptfail.tumblr.com) / [Rebloggable version of this fic](https://striveattemptfail.tumblr.com/post/615773977973063680)


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